I am Watching Myself

I am watching myself
he thinks
with his headache
face in hands
pen: dripping it's blood
soiling the perfect, white, paper
A virgin being raped:
a mess
I am watching myself
he is lonely
listening to the music
So beautiful
like birds
floating across the sky
in a tranquil formation
A calm sight
A calm feeling
I am watching myself
scattering papers to find a poem
that one poem he wrote
about the blossoms
and the girl
he is searching to destroy
destroy the memory of those...
they smelt like rainbows:
opening up to touch the sun
damn them!
I am watching myself
he waits
he waits so fucking long
his fingers turning into nails
being used to hammer into the cross
his legs turning into stamps:
chapped in half; dead, immobile
his chest turning to a bee's nest
buzzing rhythmically
but to touch is to touch pain
I am watching myself
he shakes
he shakes and moves and curses
the world that has shut him down
curse himself for giving in
he can't stop the world
but the world can stop him
I am watching myself
He is watching myself
his is watching
he is watching me
laughing at my puppet arms
my strings attached to other peoples thoughts
laughing at me dance around like a fool
waiting for someone to pull a string and stretch my lips into a smile
He is watching
he is watching me wither
like a grotesque after though
masturbating to Rape
disgusting images
I am watching myself
he is picking
he is picking apart life
like a dry sandwich
pinching and pulling
a starving off with a picky appetite
his hunger for a reality of his choice
I am watching myself
he is deprived and happy
wanting to smile for his deprivation
his drowning
gasping for death and clinging at life
trying to pull out happiness
rummaging through the dead to find the one life still l felt
a child with broken limbs and a hideous soul
telling me to leave her alone
He is watching
he is watching me
his is watching me
I try to see the grass grow
I try to smell the roses
I try to hear the call
of a bird
and I can't
and he know it
and he knows my pain
and he still laughs
what else can he do?!
I am watching myself
I am watching myself
die
he is
he is dying

-Conor Gen-
(c) Conor Gen
1999